What is Self Isolation?

AKA “A ‘Normal’ #SafeAtHome Day.”
(May or June 2020 but I forgot to ever post it!)

7:30am
Me : Woohoo! We all slept in a bit!
😳🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

9am
Somehow we have finished school and breakfast AND the older boys are already fighting over who gets to play video games first. I really miss public school.

10am.
5yo is supposed to have “Writer’s Workshop” with part of his Kindergarten class, virtually. I’m excited to take a break from “teaching” (which I am in no way qualified to do) and to just get to focus on nursing the baby...
Three times during the 15-20 minute call - THREE TIMES - I have to unlatch the baby, stand up, and walk over to mute or unmute the microphone at the request of the teacher, then walk back, reset the pillows (so I don’t pull out my back for the third time in one month), and re-latch the baby to continue nursing. And one time I have to do all that to write “because” at the top of his paper - because his teacher said “ask someone to write ‘because’ at the top of your paper.” (We all know who “someone” is!) 🙋‍♀️ I mean, this is why everyone says the third child is so laid back. They don’t get a say in ANY part of their life! Meanwhile, the 5yo learned what an opinion is...and I shared a few of my own.

11:30am
I seriously contemplate ordering lunch because I don’t feel like making five different meals...and then I laugh maniacally, walk to the kitchen, and start cooking while simultaneously chucking random tiny food at the baby in his high chair.

Around 2pm.
5yo goes upstairs to use the bathroom
[Husband on business call in office opposite bathroom, Mom - that’s me - downstairs with the baby.]
5yo: [Screaming.] “MOMMMMM, come HEREEEEE. I have POOOOOP ON MEEEEE!”
Me: 😳 [whisper yelling, trying to put the baby somewhere safe] Daddy is on a CALL. SHUSH!!”
5yo: [doesn't year the whisper yell, so screams louder] “MOMMM, POOOOOP!”
Me: [frantically running up the stairs still whisper yelling] “Daddy is on a CALLLL!”
{I can’t believe I am even going to write what happens next.}
Me: [arriving at bathroom] “Why is there poop streaking up your back and...[5yo removes hand from butt covered in poop...]...what the heck are you doing?! Wash your hands and I’ll get out the wipes!”
5yo: [literally washes for 3 seconds. Still poop all over his hands. Looks at his hands then at me.]
Me: “why are you looking at me? How was that HAND WASHING?!” [has sudden realization that there must be hidden poop ALL OVER THE F*%!ING HOUSE.] “is this how you ALWAYS wash your hands? What happened to singing the song?! You better start washing your hands better than that, that’s disgusting!” [seriously, I’m throwing up a little in my mouth...what the heck....]
5yo: [squirts soap on hands, immediately puts hands under running water, thus rinsing off all the soap, none of the poop.]
Me: [when did this become my life?] “do you call that washing your hands?”
5yo: [squirts more soap on]
Me: “now you scrub and scrub until your hands are just covered in bubbles then scrub some more and keep going and I’ll sing the song [sings] and look! Hooray, finally clean. That, THAT, is the only way to wash your hands after you poop. Understand?”
5yo: [nonplussed] “did you finish my butt?”
😳🤦‍♀️😭

Also today...the baby learned how to use my foot poof (I think that’s what it is called) to get up on the couch. Great.

He also enjoys screaming whenever I put him down or walk away or chewing on whatever he can find that is not actually one of his toys.

8:30pm
[All three kids are in bed, I put my feet up and call my Mom back when I hear humming? Is that humming? On the monitor.]
Me: BIG GIANT FREAKING SIGH. [Hangs up for second time with Mom, heads upstairs to their room.]
7yo: “oh, HI MOM!” [As if I just waltzed in to hang out. Not because I am terrified he is going to wake the baby up.] “Can I tell you what happened in my book? Let me tell you what happened in my book. So there was...”
Me: “Sweetie.” [He and I both know that I say this when I am pissed off.] “The baby is asleep.” [The baby sleeps in his crib at the foot of my 7yo’s bed.] “Can you please tell me tomorrow?”
7yo: “But, let me just tell you.”
[DO ALL KIDS DO THIS OR JUST MINE?!]
Me: “sweetie, I’m sorry, but No. you need to tell me tomorrow. It’s past your bedtime and both your brothers are asleep and I want them to stay that way.”
7yo: “But the giants just....and it’s Part II, did you know it was in Parts? And...”
Me: “Goodnight Sweetie! I really want to know, but TOMORROW. I want to know tomorrow!” [Leaves...Feels like a terrible parent and person. Wonders if I did the right thing or if I should just let him be loud and excited and wake everyone else up??!! Questions my decisions and choices for the 5,000th time in one day.Might go get another drink.]

By the way, when I relay all this to my own mother she says “that’s hilarious! I hope you are writing all this down!”

So here Mom! Checked one thing off my to-do list. Just 4,999 to go.